Malaysians guys are getting married at older age. Why?
Let me give an example. It is a little bit long example. If you want
to skip it, there is a summary at the end.
Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about RM5000.
The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok,
that's fine, it gives you
time to save some more money and some more time
to prepare the basic
necessities for a 'happy' family? a car and a roof to
live under. That year
because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%.
Since you are also a
gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside
to spend on dates and
gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the
previous year, after
much sweat and meggie-eating months, you save another
RM5000. Your company
is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So,
another RM4000 is added to
your saving. So, your total saving now is
RM14,000. You decide to spend
about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car
down payment. So, you net saving
that year is RM6000.
The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine
at work. But because
now you have to pay for car every month, your total
monthly saving is cut
down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000
that year. No bonus that
year because your company is doing poor. So, your
total saving in the bank
is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with
your girlfriend. She
said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500
is spent on ring plus
'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year
is RM9,500.
The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your
salary now is 1.5 of
your starting salary at the company. Good news! You
think. "Ok, this year
I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already.
So, you ask your fiancée "how much is the dowry
(hantaran)? "
She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup".
You ask,"RM5000 ok?".
She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata
grad oversea macam I ni
mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000
tau!".
Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and
you faint on the spot.
"Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you
say to yourself. But,
because you are very determined to get married with
your dream girl and in
the name of love, you work really really hard
that year until you are
awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3
months of bonus. You
also do some side business to supply ayam pencen.
So, roughly your net
saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.
Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in
the bank to pay for the
dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak
kawin ni mesti la buat
grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput
penyanyi ke artis ke
sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita
cater aje la ya? RM10 je
sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik
dan mahal-mahal sket.
Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?"
You did a quick in-the-head-calculation,
"1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi
lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu
tak masuk cincin kahwin
lagi!!"
You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?"
Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin
sekali je seumur hidup.
Biarlah buat betul-betul."
You insist,"Tapi mak?"
Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak.
Cik Tipah jiran kita
tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri
puan sri lagi datang.
Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik
kecik?".
Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful
happy life after marriage
that you dream of with your wife does not last long.
You have debts around
your waist, interest gets higher every month,
cannot afford to pay them,
you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she
accuses you of being
irresponsible husband for not being a good provider,
blah blah blah? At the
end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.
Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why
marriage institution is
failing in our country. The above example may
not represent the whole
phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives
us some ideas of the
problems young couple these days are facing in
getting married from my
perspective.
The Root Cause of The Problem...
There is something wrong in our culture. I really
think there are some
practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture
specifically) that do
not make sense and especially they are contrary to
the teaching of Islam.
These practices are well-rooted in our culture that
unfortunately because
of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or
simply feel like they
cannot afford when they are actually can afford.
These are some of my
observation and summary analysis:
(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but
in Malaysia, it is
ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition
on whose wedding is
the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is
usually the reason why
people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money
for a wedding.
(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to
her perhaps educational
background, physical attributes and family social
status not according to
her knowledge and understanding of Deen and
piety as suggested by the
religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is
put on women, who are
supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and
pious ones, "priceless"!
'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps
the Indians who came
to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put
too high and men can't
afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or
cancelled. An effort to build
another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or
perhaps destroyed only
for this reason.
(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for
the couple not hard,
which eventually becomes a burden. These days,
we make marriage so
complicated that people are afraid of getting
married. When I was in the
US, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting
married at the mosque, with
just some sweets as the main course for the
guests. The guests who were
invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever
prayed jemaah at the
mosque or some close relatives and friends. There
is no point of being
extravagance. We should focus on the life after
wedding not the wedding
itself.
Wedding is only a door to the marriage house.
Why should we spent a
lot of money to decorate the door so
beautifully, when the inside of
the house is then left empty, dark and
unattractive?
...and the pressure is on men...
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gambar sekadar hiasan dari siyg Flickr
Shin Chan bila besar jadi budak yang baik ye...
