++ Realiti kehidupan: Kasihan Kaum Adam

Malaysians guys are getting married at older age. Why?

Let me give an example. It is a little bit long example. If you want

to skip it, there is a summary at the end.

Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about RM5000.

The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok,

that's fine, it gives you

time to save some more money and some more time

to prepare the basic

necessities for a 'happy' family? a car and a roof to

live under. That year

because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%.

Since you are also a

gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside

to spend on dates and

gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the

previous year, after

much sweat and meggie-eating months, you save another

RM5000. Your company

is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So,

another RM4000 is added to

your saving. So, your total saving now is

RM14,000. You decide to spend

about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car

down payment. So, you net saving

that year is RM6000.

The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine

at work. But because

now you have to pay for car every month, your total

monthly saving is cut

down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000

that year. No bonus that

year because your company is doing poor. So, your

total saving in the bank

is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with

your girlfriend. She

said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500

is spent on ring plus

'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year

is RM9,500.

The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your

salary now is 1.5 of

your starting salary at the company. Good news! You

think. "Ok, this year

I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already.

So, you ask your fiancée "how much is the dowry

(hantaran)? "

She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup".

You ask,"RM5000 ok?".

She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata

grad oversea macam I ni

mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000

tau!".

Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and

you faint on the spot.

"Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you

say to yourself. But,

because you are very determined to get married with

your dream girl and in

the name of love, you work really really hard

that year until you are

awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3

months of bonus. You

also do some side business to supply ayam pencen.

So, roughly your net

saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.

Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in

the bank to pay for the

dowry. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak

kawin ni mesti la buat

grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput

penyanyi ke artis ke

sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita

cater aje la ya? RM10 je

sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik

dan mahal-mahal sket.

Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?"

You did a quick in-the-head-calculation,

"1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi

lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu

tak masuk cincin kahwin

lagi!!"

You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?"

Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin

sekali je seumur hidup.

Biarlah buat betul-betul."

You insist,"Tapi mak?"

Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak.

Cik Tipah jiran kita

tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri

puan sri lagi datang.

Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik

kecik?".

Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful

happy life after marriage

that you dream of with your wife does not last long.

You have debts around

your waist, interest gets higher every month,

cannot afford to pay them,

you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she

accuses you of being

irresponsible husband for not being a good provider,

blah blah blah? At the

end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.

Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why

marriage institution is

failing in our country. The above example may

not represent the whole

phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives

us some ideas of the

problems young couple these days are facing in

getting married from my

perspective.

The Root Cause of The Problem...

There is something wrong in our culture. I really

think there are some

practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture

specifically) that do

not make sense and especially they are contrary to

the teaching of Islam.

These practices are well-rooted in our culture that

unfortunately because

of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or

simply feel like they

cannot afford when they are actually can afford.

These are some of my

observation and summary analysis:

(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but

in Malaysia, it is

ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition

on whose wedding is

the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is

usually the reason why

people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money

for a wedding.

(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to

her perhaps educational

background, physical attributes and family social

status not according to

her knowledge and understanding of Deen and

piety as suggested by the

religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is

put on women, who are

supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and

pious ones, "priceless"!

'Dowry' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps

the Indians who came

to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'dowry' is put

too high and men can't

afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or

cancelled. An effort to build

another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or

perhaps destroyed only

for this reason.

(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for

the couple not hard,

which eventually becomes a burden. These days,

we make marriage so

complicated that people are afraid of getting

married. When I was in the

US, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting

married at the mosque, with

just some sweets as the main course for the

guests. The guests who were

invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever

prayed jemaah at the

mosque or some close relatives and friends. There

is no point of being

extravagance. We should focus on the life after

wedding not the wedding

itself.

Wedding is only a door to the marriage house.

Why should we spent a

lot of money to decorate the door so

beautifully, when the inside of

the house is then left empty, dark and

unattractive?

...and the pressure is on men...

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